Rest for the Weary

I apologize for it taking so long to write this post. Last week was my fourth round of chemo. You already knew that. What you may not have known is that it was the most difficult chemo week I've had to date. Usually, the really difficult part of chemo is in the days that actually follow. I suppose my body is worn down a little more with each chemo cycle. I never have quite enough time to get back to "normal." The Independence Day holiday added to my "business" when I was feeling better.

Chemo round four really knocked the wind out of me.  After lunch on Wednesday afternoon I was in bed pretty much until Saturday. I was tired, sad, and sick. I never actually threw up, but even the thought of chemo made me nauseous...still does. There were fleeting moments where I mustered the energy to sit outside in the swing or on the couch. For the most part, though, I felt like garbage.

My brother, Darrell, and his wife, BJ, came to help out over the long holiday weekend. Darrell usually works in GA all week and comes home on the weekend. So, when he sacrificed his holiday weekend to make the four hour drive to Mississippi, I was touched to say the least. This is really the first time I've been able to spend any time with him since my re-diagnosis. What I love about my brother is that he works hard and plays hard. He did not disappoint. He worked hard all weekend, helping Kevin complete several "man jobs" that he either had not had the time or strength to complete alone. It doesn't help that Kevin usually has a three foot shadow with his every step. Aunt BJ worked just as hard. As usual, she jumped right in there...cleaning, cooking, entertaining Jack. When I see BJ and Jack together, I am reminded of Christian (Darrell's 13 year old son) and me. When Christian was Jack's age, I had no children. He was like my own little boy. We did everything together. We spoke a special language. BJ is like that with Jack. He is never timid or afraid with her. He trusts her completely. It's fun to watch. She took him shoe shopping, birthday present shopping, grocery shopping, and to Wal-mart for fun stuff. When they returned home, they played in his pool, played basketball with the new net Aunt BJ had bought, and jumped on the trampoline. Of course, all this happened after Aunt BJ had completely cleaned my house. She moved furniture and other items so she could clean my floors...sweeping, mopping, dusting, and the list goes on. BJ took care of me by taking care of my family. I didn't have to give any direction or thought. She just did what she would want done if she were in my shoes. For that I am grateful.

Those who know me well, know how stubborn I can be. It's difficult for me to ask for assistance or even accept it when freely offered. By Saturday morning, I was so touched by Darrell and BJ's generosity, I was in tears. I think all the exhaustion crept up on me. I was on the couch "cuddling" with Jack while BJ cleaned. I just couldn't hold it in any longer. I think I was sad that the 4th of July wasn't waiting for me. Everyone was buzzing around, and I couldn't even get dressed. While I was sad for me, having a pity party really, I was so touched by the kindness of my brother and his wife. Even then, BJ was there to reassure me that I need to worry about me this time. Take care of me. Rest for me. No need to feel embarrassed to have cancer. I didn't want Jack to see me upset. So, I went to my bedroom and called my little sister. I just needed to hear her voice. She was busy rushing her own family out the door for 4th of July activities, but took the time to talk with me. I just needed to hear her voice. I enjoyed hearing Amanda and Tony whiz around with their girls. Tony was very patient with the orders he was receiving from the three females of his house.

There was a break in the southern humidity over the weekend and a nice breeze from the storms in the gulf. I was able to sit outside and watch the guys work on laying pavers under my swing long enough to get a little sun on my knees. I wasn't up to going to the park for firework festivities. So, we put on our own firework demonstration for Jack at home after a delicious summer dinner of BBQ ribs, BJ's mexicorn casserole, beans and bread. I was sad to see them go Sunday morning, but Darrell had to travel to Athens after his four hour drive home to Greenville. Jack has asked a million times since then when he can go spend the night with Aunt BJ and Uncle D.

I was feeling better by Sunday evening when Jack's friend, Wren; his mom, Julie; and their CeeCee, Ms. Susan; came to visit. We cooked out hamburgers and hotdogs and enjoyed watching the boys play outside. Ms. Susan makes the very best deviled eggs I have ever had. I may have to call and ask her to make some just for me when I have chemo again! I was so excited to feel like "me" again, I overdid it a little and was pretty wiped out by the time dinner was over. We had a great time, and enjoyed the company. Julie and I are a lot alike, crazy about our boys. We love the opportunity to hang out with girls. Wren slept until 11 am the next day. Jack did not. :)

Monday was a much needed rest for our little family. In fact, we are still tired. We all went to Wren's 4th birthday party Tuesday evening, a swimming party at the country club. Jack had a blast and swam pretty well. The clouds rolled in and brought summer storms, but we continued to have fun when we moved the party inside. Jack, Wren, Jasmine, and Calvin are the fab four, all the same age. It's fun to see them play and interact. I don't know who our priest will be at their confirmation in about 13 years, but I hope he's drinking plenty of vitamin C. He's going to need it.

Tuesday was also the day of my MRI. Dr. Reed scheduled it to rule out the possibility of any cancer causing my ongoing headaches. Endometrial cancer can spread to the brain. We don't think it is cancer, but we want to be sure rather than assume. This is the first MRI I've had. I can now understand why some people freak out when lying in that tube for so long. I was fine, but thought of the folks I know who can't go through that alone. I hope to hear the results from Dr. Reed today or tomorrow. I'm optimistic, but the wait is killing me. We want this behind us.

I woke up with a cough and awful headache Wednesday morning. It feels allergy related. Still, it's exhausting. I'm not running any fever, but hope to find something I can take for the yuck.  The mouth sores I've had since Sunday are beginning to subside. They were right on time, but like the chemo yuckies, a little worse than usual. I really need to feel better. I am traveling to Salt Lake City next week for Academic Meetings and graduation at Western Governors University. I'm looking forward to seeing everyone, but a little nervous about flying for the first time since chemo started. I don't want to catch anything. So, anyone willing to post advice to stay germ-free, feel free to post. I can't wait to see my work buddies and friends who have been especially supportive, even across the distance. Also exciting is the opportunity to meet blog buddy, Kim M., (See Tender Mercies blog in the links to the right) who is now cancer-free. I was connected to her by our common friend Melanie Olson, when I found out I was sick again. She has helped me so much in my journey through her own blogs.

The highlight of my week has been the sweet card I received from my former student, friend, and fellow cancer survivor, Laura Huish. She is an amazing woman! I really needed the lift this week, Laura. You were right on time! Then today, I received another card filled with prayer from Mrs. Jane Sullivan. People are so kind to continue praying for us, even this far into treatment.

Please pray for my sister's high school friend, and mine, Amanda Schwartz Ward. She had complications delivering her precious angel, Journey, in May and continues to fight her way to better health. Each time I think of my own struggles with cancer, I remember how much more difficult Amanda's battle is.

Halfway there!

Kevin took me to chemo Monday. It was a really busy work day for him. I don't know how he does it all, but he does...and with a smile.  Jerri and Jill were there with a smile as well. I was so excited to tell them my good news about ten of the eleven spots on my lungs being gone. It was so busy in the chemo room that there was an additional oncology nurse from one of the other West Clinics there to help.

When I entered the chemo room, I selected what I thought would be a nice quiet place away from distractions, and it was until...An older couple came in to visit with one of their chemo buddies. They talked and talked and talked, even pulled chairs up to visit. I don't know why this bothered me so much. When Kevin came in from one of his work phone calls, he didn't even have room to sit with me. By this time there was another chair open across the room. So, we moved. After our relocation, it was rather amusing to see my old "chair buddy's" face. I think he was just as annoyed by the couple. He kept looking past them as they rambled on. Poor guy!

Monday was a relatively easy day for me, Cisplatin and Adrimycin Day. Mom came from Alabama to help with Jack, and I was able to eat her home-cooked dinner with the family. She brought fresh peas from the garden. YUM! After dinner I went to bed. Mom went with me to talk. Luz Andrea called on the telephone! That made my day! I was SO excited to hear from her. I miss her. She wanted to know exactly what was going on in the house, as if she were here to feel it. I can't wait til the day we get to see her again.

Tuesday was still crowded at the clinic, but not as bad as Monday. I never have to wait very long. Mom went with me while Kevin stayed home to get some work done. Tuesday is Taxol Day. It's a little more difficult. I think it's because I already have the the other two toxins in my body doing their thing before we add yet a third. We have to start the Taxol slowly to avoid reactions. I had a reaction for the first time Tuesday. It was really weird. All the muscles in my torso started to contract at one time, I guess it's like birth contractions only in my stomach and mid-section...really weird. In the South, when you have a sudden shiver, we say, "A rabbit ran over your grave." That's what it was, only more intense. Not painful, just aggravating. I told Jill and she stopped the Taxol for about five minutes before resuming. I didn't have trouble after that. Taxol does cause some neuropathy.

I wore my short wig to the clinic on Tuesday. I knew I would feel cold, Taxol days are always cold for me. One gentleman recognized me with it and commented how much he liked my hair...about three different times. He was a nice man, very pleasant. We talked quietly with a couple ladies across the room from Tupelo. In the meantime, Jerri was taking care of this very stubborn, old man across the room. His son was with him. He actually had the nerve to tell Jerri that the son wasn't worth a d$#@. Jerri told him at least her was here with him. It made us sad to hear the old man talk about his son the way he did. The son never said a word. Usually the wife is with the old guy. Jerri says they argue. Well, the whole room stopped when the man was talking with Jerri. He made a comment about seeing her again next time. Jerri put her hands on her hips and said, "Well, honey I just can't wait!" Picture Alice from the diner saying this in a sarcastic way. I've never seen Jerri get her feathers ruffled so. Pretty funny.

I was so tired by Tuesday evening I came home and went straight to bed. I had a great nap. When I woke, mom was in my room doing laundry. I asked her what time it was and she said it was a "quarter to eight." I was thinking that I had woken just in time to get to the clinic. I assumed I had slept all night. I wondered why she was wearing the same pink shirt. Then I could see Kevin and Jack playing in the backyard and realized it was still Tuesday. They had already eaten dinner. So, I ate mine in the living room while watching television. I was pretty washed out afterward, so I just went back to bed.

Wednesday is Neulasta day.  That's where I get a $9000.00 shot to raise my white cell count to fight infection. This time Mom and Jack went with me. It's just a short visit since I only get a shot, and all the ladies at the clinic have been dying to meet Jack. He was well behaved, shook hands, said the Pledge of Allegiance, the whole thing. Then, he and mom went back to the waiting room. Kids aren't allowed in the chemo room.

We were home in time for lunch. By the afternoon I was feeling pretty crummy. I wasn't nauseous, I couldn't stay out of the bathroom. Exhausting! Kevin had to reschedule my MRI. Mom went home. Grandma Joyce came to take Jack out to the mall to burn some energy. They had a great time, except for one little "rice" meltdown when Grandma got his rice from the wrong store in the mall. While they were gone, Binky brought some information by the house about a cancer diet/ regimen. Then my sweet neighbor and bunco buddy, Rhonda, brought dinner for the family; poppy seed chicken, carrots, garlic bread, and peanut butter cookies. So yummy! Jack even liked it! It sure made things a lot easier for Kevin. Thanks ladies!

The sweetest part of the week was Tuesday afternoon when Jack was helping Kevin water the plants outside. There is an Eastern Redbud in our front flowerbed that shades the dining room. Jack noticed that it has heart-shaped leaves on it. He said, "Daddy, that tree has heart leaves on it for mommy. It's to help mommy's cancer go away so she'll feel better." What a sweet thing to say! He's really thinking about this cancer thing as much as he can from his 4 year old The sweetest part of the week was Tuesday afternoon when Jack was helping Kevin water the plants outside. There is an Eastern Redbud in our front flowerbed that shades the dining room. Jack noticed that it has heart-shaped leaves on it. He said, "Daddy, that tree has heart leaves on it for mommy. It's to help mommy's cancer go away so she'll feel better." What a sweet thing to say! He's really thinking about this cancer thing as much as he can from his 4 year old perspective. I love my little man...and my big one, too!

SMILE

I love this song! It seems appropriate to post on my blog this morning, since smiling is one of the "small things" that are essential to life. These are what make life worth living. I have so many memories of doing these things with my family over the years. This song will be in my head today as I go to my second day of chemo round 4. If it sticks in your head, too, I hope you'll thank God for our many blessings.

Good News!

I've been pretty tough all along, but this past week has been a long one for me, emotionally that is. I struggled to sleep, focus on work...all the problems one has when worried. I have truly been optimistic about God's power to heal me the whole time. I was just anxious to meet with my doctor to know exactly where we are in this fight. Friday was the day of truth...to find out if the chemo is doing its job, conquering the cancer.

When I was diagnosed, Dr. Reed explained that it was bad and that IF my body didn't respond to the chemo I only had a year. I realize that these numbers don't apply to everyone. If that were the case, I would never have had this cancer in the first place...I'm too young, statistically. In quiet moments, I found myself sitting in the swing wondering if I would be here for Jack's 5th birthday. What about kindergarten and all those other benchmarks of childhood? My heart would break as I thought about Kevin and Jack and how their lives would change if I were gone. This strengthened my resolve and brought me back to reality each time. The truth of the matter is that I'm not promised tomorrow even without cancer. So, let that be a reminder to live in the present. Don't waste your day. Enjoy ever moment of it.

The hour long drive to the cancer center was agonizing for me. Kevin had to stop for me to use the restroom two or three times in the first ten minutes. I was so nervous. Then the headache came, a terrible one. I reclined my seat and closed my eyes to focus on being calm. I was just so nervous. Kev was very patient with me, as he usually is. The drive to Corinth is a pretty one, but the road isn't so good right now. The spring floods have really torn up the asphalt and the work they are doing to improve the road for Toyota and new supplier plants in the area doesn't help right now. So I felt even more miserable with my nervous stomach, killer migraine, the heat and bumps in the road. Honestly, it was like being in a "Shake n Bake" commercial, only I wasn't the cook. I knew God was in control, but I was just so nervous. I had not expected to be so nervous or feel so terrible.

Everyone at The West Clinic was friendly as usual, happy to see me. This was the first time I've ever said, "I feel puny," when they asked how I was. Same Friday routine...weigh in, blood pressure, blood work, wait forever for Dr. Reed. Kevin went back with me. When Doc came in, he was visibly excited when he said that he had my test results. This was encouraging. We had prayed for anything at all positive during this trip and didn't know what was realistic to expect. Dr. Reed explained that of the 11 spots originally on my lungs before starting chemo, only 1, yes ONE, is left. Seriously? That is amazing! I wanted to give him a high five, but said, "Thank you." He instantly replied, "No, Thank God!" Dr. Reed was as relieved as I was to have this news. Additionally, my blood counts were good. We will continue on my planned course of treatment, since it is working, to complete all eight planned cycles of chemo. I expect to finish up in October.

Dr. Reed is a little concerned about my daily headaches. So, I'm going for an MRI next week to make sure it isn't cancer related. I get stress-induced migraines, and chemo is hard on the body. In my heart, I really think it is the stress from the chemo causing headaches. We shall see. Either way, God will help us deal with it.

This weekend, though, we have some celebrating to do! My friend, Kim, has begged to keep Jack so he can play with her boys. So, Jack's going to play with Tristan and Ike tonight while Kevin and I go out. Thanks Kim! We are looking forward to it! Grandma and her friend, Mary Jo, took Jack to see Toy Story 3 yesterday afternoon while we were in Corinth. He came home with a brand new Buzz Lightyear from Toys R Us. Thanks Grandma! Jack loved it! It was WAY too much, though. Sunday evening we are looking forward to dinner with the Hanby's and Vaughn's. Monday, it's back to chemo. I'm hoping that I'm up to seeing Luz's friend, Marie, Thursday night before she returns to Germany. That's my goal after chemo.

I close with a scripture Brittany shared on my FB.

Jesus answered, "Neither this man nor his parents sinned; he was born blind so that God's works might be revealed in him."   John 9:3