Sittin', Waitin', Wishin'...

Well, here I sit...I don't even know how I feel...numb, worried, excited, afraid, grateful, amazed...For so long, we've hoped and prayed this week would come. Now that it's here, I don't know what to say or do. It's just overwhelming.

I've been busy calling students, preparing to be off work for two weeks, cleaning, packing, and answering all the sweet calls of friends and family offering positive thoughts and prayers. I've been all alone ever since Kevin dropped me off at the airport this morning...waiting for my flight, sitting on the plane, eating lunch, waiting for the next flight, sitting on the plane, riding to the hotel, wandering around Wal-mart purchasing goodies for the kitchen in my humble little abode at the hotel, riding around in the rental car, eating dinner...you get the picture, just me and my neverending thoughts. For the first time since my senior English class, I thought about stream of consciousness poetry. I always wondered why someone would want to write it, or even think that others would want to read it. Today, I think I realized it's because the author really feels the need to share it. I didn't have Kevin at my side today to calm my fears and reaffirm my doubts.

When I turned out the light in Jack's room last night, I thought, "This is the last time I'll be in here alone." When my plane landed in Corpus this afternoon, I thought, "When I leave this place, I'll be a mommy." I almost cried. When I ate dinner beside a couple with a one-year-old, I thought, "We'll look like that. Kevin will pick Jack up like that. Jack will want to play like that." The only thing I can really compare it to, and I still don't think it's close, is your senior year in high school. There are so many highs and lows. You're so excited to FINALLY be graduating, but you're so scared of the unknown. You have no idea how much your life is about to change, but you know everything is going to be different...filled with new responsibilities and experiences.

Things I worry about:

• Will she change her mind?
• Will I be a good mother?
• How will I know what to do?
• How will I manage work and an infant?
• Will Christian and Katelyn understand I still love them as much as I always have?
• How will I manage when Kevin is out of town?
• Will Jack know, truly know, he is loved by two mothers?
• Will the birthmother understand that we still care about her very much even when Jack is at home with us?
• How will Biscuit and Birdie behave with a baby in the house?
• If they don't behave, what will we do?

Things I am excited about:

• Kevin is going to be a daddy.
• Jack will have cousins his age to play with.
• Jack's new family is just as excited about his birth as they are biological children in the family.
• Being able to work from home and spend time with our son
• Being blessed enough to love and teach and raise this child
• Baseball, golf, football, and bicycles
• Bedtime stories, playing in the park, children's songs in the car
• Swimming lessons
• Family vacations
• Hearing his laughter

I could go on and on and on, but I'm sure you'd rather I didn't.

Baby Shower

A big thank-you goes out to all of you who came out to Amanda's house last Saturday to shower Jack with love. We got some really nice gifts that we can't wait to share with our little bundle of joy...clothes, bath items, a car seat, bouncers, a pack and play from Grandma, money for a travel system, bouncers, the cutest little red and blue flip-flops, a Notre Dame footstool~handpainted by Beth, pampers, clothes, cash for a travel system, blankets, bibs, burp cloths, and did I say bouncers?

The menu was delicious, and the games were fun...in case you're wondering there are no longer 87 jelly beans in the bottle! It was no surprise that Jen was a definite winner for the baby parts word game. She's such a literary genius! It's always fun to get together with friends.

If I appeared nervous (I know, it's rare, but it does happen), it's because I'm scared to death something is going to fall through with this adoption. I'm hanging in there, and Kevin is keeping me grounded. :)

Don't Knock It 'Till You've Tried It

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You can also check out Western Governor's University at www.wgu.edu.

Spring is in the air!!!

If you hate flowers or spring, you'll probably want to skip this entry...

Kevin and I ended the week with some private time today. We had a great time working in the yard together. We made a new flower bed at the top of the driveway. We planted red azaleas, tea rose trees, and juniper in it. We covered the bed with red lava rocks, and completed the the little garden with a hanging flower box (overhead on the privacy fence) of pink and yellow rose moss. I'll have to post a picture soon. I love planting flowers; it's so therapeutic! We also planted yellow and pink lantana on the side of the house. I can't wait for it to fill in.

The marigolds, petunias, begonias, and geraniums from last year have come back and the crepe myrtle we cut back is budding. I've added some new ferns to the back porch to replace the ones that died during the winter. They're just to messy to bring in during the cold. I added two planters of mixed impatiens and other annuals by the back door. I planted some new purple petunias in a couple of places in the front beds and added light and dark pink geraniums to the window boxes. Mexican Heather is coming back in, and I hung three baskets of mini purple petunias (I think...) in the front beds. All in all, I'm pretty proud. I just hope we can keep them alive while we're out of town in April.

The Final Countdown

This entry should not be quite as depressing as the last one. I am trying to get over the whole inconsiderate hospital thing. There is really nothing I can do about it. I have never met anyone who doesn't absolutely adore Kevin...so I'm hoping his charming personality will improve our chances to get into the nursery.

We talked on the phone with Jack's birthmother tonight. She was doing well...went to the doctor and to meet with her future college advisor this week. She was very excited about finally beginning college. Her younger sister was about to take her oldest son for a walk on the beach (right outside her back door). He was excited and chattering up an indecipherable storm. Her family had a barbecue tonight, so she was nice and full. You could tell the apartment was full of activity.

I can't believe I'm flying out there in about a week and a half! Kevin told her on the phone that I was so excited I already had my bags packed and waiting by the door. She thought it was funny and laughed. (Those of you who truly know Kevin know he has a tendency to spin a tale or two.) I was glad she was comfortable knowing that we are excited about coming out. She said she would like to spend some time together when we come out. I have a couple of ideas of what I'd like to do the weekend before the baby comes, but I'm open for suggestions. I'm sure she'll get tired easily, but she likes to get out and about too. I'd like to pamper her a little. I thought about taking her for a facial or something to pamper her. Former pregnant women and lurkers voice your opinions on this one!

Only 17 more days to motherhood...

Well, as I've said before...each time I start to feel like I have a little peace in the whole adoption arena, someone comes and pulls the rug out from under me. Since my adoption agency hasn't bothered to find out or even explain the hospital's policy regarding adoptive parents to us, Kevin said it was ok for me to call the hospital this afternoon and inquire. Well, that was many tears ago. I don't know what I expected, but I can tell you that if I had been given stricter restraints about 4 or 5 months ago, I wouldn't be so disappointed today. For starters, the lady who answered my questions was about the 6th person I was transferred to, and she showed absolutely NO kindness, consideration, or empathy for the situation. In fact, she acted like I was trying to steal a child, which I have no intentions of doing! The only way we can see our child AT ALL is in the birthmother's room, under her supervision, even if she gives the hospital her consent for us to feed the baby in the nursery. The lady offered two consolations...we can look at the baby through the window and request that our birthmother sign papers requesting circumcision. I had at least hoped that with our birthmother's consent we could feed our own child in the nursery. NOPE! They won't even let us take the child out of the hospital when the relinquishment papers are processed after his is officially our son. The birthmother has to take him down to the PARKING LOT of the hospital and hand him over to us. I think this is the MOST INHUMANE policy for all involved. I can't imagine how difficult it will be for the mother to see us with the baby (which is the only way we can hold him for the first three days of his life) if she doesn't change her mind. Our baby won't have any real contact with family for 3 WHOLE DAYS! We get to be present for the birth and twiddle our thumbs for the next 3 days while the nurses go about their day discussing what their own kids said or did the night before while changing the diaper of the baby I pray I get to take home. Our birthmother wants our family to be present for the birth and everything. Where are they going to go? I'm not going to parade them in front of her. We can't even celebrate this joyous occasion. I'd like to know how I got to be the bad guy here. All I want is a family. I'm dying to take care of my child and no one will let me.

Jack

Our birthmom called with an update today...

She has been schedule for a c-section on April 4th. We are so excited. She wants me to come a week early to be with her, and of course, I told her I'd be glad to. We are counting the days. Just a little over a month until our little bundle of joy arrives. Although I still have moments of anxiety, overall I am beginning to have a real peace that this will happen. Please pray for our birthmother as she has really begun to feel the effects of late-term pregnancy. Pray also that she'll have peace from knowing that she is giving Jack, Kevin, and me the ultimate gift. I never, ever, dreamed I'd be this happy in my life. I mean there were flickers of happiness, very brief moments of happiness, before Kevin; but nothing even close to the joy I feel with him. He's going to be a wonderful father. I just can't wait...

Mallory

Lil Sis finally had her baby this week, on Fat Tuesday, February 28th. Mallory is very healthy at 7 lbs 4 oz and 18 1/2 inches long. She looks a lot like Amanda. Amanda and Tony are both very proud and can't wait to bring their little angel home tomorrow. Here are some pictures.