I've been busy calling students, preparing to be off work for two weeks, cleaning, packing, and answering all the sweet calls of friends and family offering positive thoughts and prayers. I've been all alone ever since Kevin dropped me off at the airport this morning...waiting for my flight, sitting on the plane, eating lunch, waiting for the next flight, sitting on the plane, riding to the hotel, wandering around Wal-mart purchasing goodies for the kitchen in my humble little abode at the hotel, riding around in the rental car, eating dinner...you get the picture, just me and my neverending thoughts. For the first time since my senior English class, I thought about stream of consciousness poetry. I always wondered why someone would want to write it, or even think that others would want to read it. Today, I think I realized it's because the author really feels the need to share it. I didn't have Kevin at my side today to calm my fears and reaffirm my doubts.
When I turned out the light in Jack's room last night, I thought, "This is the last time I'll be in here alone." When my plane landed in Corpus this afternoon, I thought, "When I leave this place, I'll be a mommy." I almost cried. When I ate dinner beside a couple with a one-year-old, I thought, "We'll look like that. Kevin will pick Jack up like that. Jack will want to play like that." The only thing I can really compare it to, and I still don't think it's close, is your senior year in high school. There are so many highs and lows. You're so excited to FINALLY be graduating, but you're so scared of the unknown. You have no idea how much your life is about to change, but you know everything is going to be different...filled with new responsibilities and experiences.
Things I worry about:
- Will she change her mind?
- Will I be a good mother?
- How will I know what to do?
- How will I manage work and an infant?
- Will Christian and Katelyn understand I still love them as much as I always have?
- How will I manage when Kevin is out of town?
- Will Jack know, truly know, he is loved by two mothers?
- Will the birthmother understand that we still care about her very much even when Jack is at home with us?
- How will Biscuit and Birdie behave with a baby in the house?
- If they don't behave, what will we do?
Things I am excited about:
- Kevin is going to be a daddy.
- Jack will have cousins his age to play with.
- Jack's new family is just as excited about his birth as they are biological children in the family.
- Being able to work from home and spend time with our son
- Being blessed enough to love and teach and raise this child
- Baseball, golf, football, and bicycles
- Bedtime stories, playing in the park, children's songs in the car
- Swimming lessons
- Family vacations
- Hearing his laughter
I could go on and on and on, but I'm sure you'd rather I didn't.