Thursday, June 03, 2010

Hope

Yesterday was a really hard day for me at work, emotionally more than anything. Tears were shed. I'm ok, no one was rude or hurtful to me, but some great minds and friends of mine were shocked to hear that they were no longer needed. My heart breaks for them and their families. So yes, I was angry, sad, frustrated, disappointed...all those things. When I sat down to blog this morning, there was a cross beside my computer that was sent to me from Father Henry, via floral arrangement from Mrs. Rita...beautiful brown and green glazed. I love it. It's small enough to leave on  my desk. The back of it says "Jer. 29:11." I took the time to look the scripture up this morning and it says, "For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope." Wow! How relevant is that? Relevant in so many ways...my work, my health...

We had a wonderful Memorial Day weekend. Friday evening we went to a barbecue at our friends, the Millers, house. Jack swam and played with Andrew and the other kids; and we had fun chatting with the adults. Chicken and hotdogs were the menu. Gotta love it when you fix your four year old a plate and he says out loud, "Mommyyyyy, I want pizza." What is that? Where does THAT come from? In the end, we were the first couple to leave, because I was tired. We had a great time, though. 

Saturday, Kevin played in a golf tournament for the American Cancer Society out at Big Oaks in honor of John Sowers. He had a great time. He doesn't get to play golf as much as he once did. I'm happy he was able to go. He deserves it. Meanwhile, Jack and I went to a birthday party at the fire station. So, Jack was surrounded by two of his favorite things...sugar and firetrucks. He was in hog heaven. Luz was too, as she did what makes her happiest...shop. In the afternoon we went to mass, which is much easier for me at night right now than in the morning, and then dinner at Kyoto. Since Luz arrived, I am crazy about sushi. I don't eat the raw stuff, though. We had a fun dinner with Grandma at the hibachi table. 

We had a nice, family cookout on Sunday afternoon. Father Henry joined us. I always love it when he comes. He's family. Kevin grilled Smithfield ribs, sausage, and chicken. I made corn salad, green bean casserole (Luz's favorite American food), rolls, and peach cobbler. Afterward, the girls made a trip to the cinema to see Letters to Juliet. I loved it. I think Grandma liked it. Luz, not so much. Definitely a chic flick.

Monday, we spent some quiet family time together. I took Jack and Luz swimming at the Miller's house. We had a great time. Dinner was low key with leftovers. Kevin and I actually got to sit down together and rent a movie off the TV. Just the two of us. We NEVER have a chance to do that anymore.  Jack played and watched cartoons, and Luz was busy doing teenager stuff in her room. We rented Law Abiding Citizen with Gerard  Butler and Jamie Fox. Loved it!!!

So, life was pretty normal for us this past weekend. What a blessing! I cherish the routine of everyday life now. I love feeling like me, being in my kitchen, reading on the back porch, watching Jack play, laughing with Luz. It's the small things...

Maybe you get the idea that we never worry about my health. Most of the time we are optimistic, but we are human. There are moments when Kevin and I have quiet time together and we talk about what the future may hold. I can't stand the thought of not being there for my guys as Jack grows up. It's scary, overwhelming. I try not to let myself dwell on the "what ifs." God has always taken care of us. Whatever happens, I know Kevin and Jack will be alright, because He will take care of them. I think that these moments of fear are ok. I still have every faith that the chemo will work, and we will conquer this cancer through God's grace. I believe that these moments of fear remind us what we are fighting for. They strengthen our resolve and stiffen our chins. Whatever happens, know this...I have had a wonderful life. I have everything I have ever dreamed of having. Now, I don't want to live for me. I fight to live for my family. Let's face it...if I'm not around Jack could end up eating ice cream for dinner. :)

Jack is doing well. Cancer has become part of his vocabulary. He knows the cancer makes mommy sick. He asked me last night if I was going to buy a new dress when the cancer was gone. Funny how little minds work. His sense of humor is really developing. He cracks me up all the time. I'm afraid we've got a class clown on our hands. He's beginning to understand that he's adopted. It has become part of our conversations. He sees his skin color is different. We talk about how beautiful it is. He told me the other day that he was born in another mommy's tummy and then God gave him to me to be his mommy. We talked several months ago about how some mommy's don't have beds in their tummy and another mommy takes care of them until they are born. He's thinking about it and seems ok with what he understands. Thank you, God. 



5 comments:

J said...

Great entry, C.

Jennifer Smolka said...

You are a witness to your faith & HOPE to all of the friends who love you dearly.

Melanie said...

I read this while eating my lunch. Thank you for all of the great reminders in this post. I needed it all today. Love you!

Cindy said...

Love you, too, Melanie. Thanks ladies.

Kim said...

Hi cindy!
"Hope" is right on. I love your entry! You asked me about Lysine or L-Lysine. It is an over-the-counter dietary supplement/amino acid, I bought mine at a grocery store near the pharmacy. I don't know how it works, but when I was consistent with it, my mouth sores were kept to a minimum. My worst round was my second A/C, the next two treatments weren't as bad. I've had people tell me they take some when they feel a canker coming on. My nurse told me I could take up to 3000 mg a day (verify with yours to make sure that's OK), so I would just take it with my meals. I would also rinse with Biotene mouthwash (Walgreens) after I ate and before bed to keep the sores clean. You can use that as much as you want as long as you don't swallow it. I hope that helps, mouth sores are so miserable! Good luck with your next treatment, I'll check your blog for updates!

Kim